Chapter 13: The Day Before

September 4, 2025

In 24 hours, I am going to be at my mother’s funeral.  That sentence makes absolutely no sense to me.  Yet, it directs so much of what is happening today.

Like the fact that after getting the call late yesterday afternoon, I went to pick up mom today. There she is – in a beautiful cylindrical container. It’s heavier than I thought it would be. I told the kids Nana was back with us – at least for a little bit. That was hard on them. This is all hard on all of us. Sigh… we’ve decided that I will carry her in to the funeral tomorrow. There is going to be a little table at the front of the church for her and the really beautiful photo of her from our family photo session last week…when she was still here for real…

My dad and my cousin are busy cleaning his house – my sister, my uncle and aunt, and one of dad’s former classmates are all arriving today.  And in typical Murphy’s Law fashion, the vacuum cleaner had a tantrum so everything is taking longer as they try some creative workarounds!

Thanks to some friends with visual design skills, we got a very nice programme designed – I have to get it printed today.  There are also some last-minute things I need to buy and take to the church hall for the reception so we’re not fussing with anything tomorrow.  We had a bit of a hiccup with the original catering plans so we’re doing some things ourselves.  It’s a bit of a hassle, but it is also keeping me busy and focused so – like the vacuum situation dad is now managing – hooray for small victories…?

I’m now certain that everything is ready for the music, the readings, the ushers, the slideshow, the tech support for our AV needs and the youtube livestream…and my eulogy.  The one I silently started drafting in my head about 18 months ago.  What a horrible thing to admit.  But the fact is, once the reality of the diagnosis hit, it just felt like something I should start preparing myself to do…because I knew it would be my job to do.  And I can’t be a sobbing mess of a human when I do it – mom deserves a beautiful send-off and that is what I hope all of this past week of planning is leading to.

In the evening, my family hosted dinner with dad and everyone else who came in from out of town for the funeral.  I decided to take a group photo of us at the table.  A weird thing to do, maybe.  I guess I was hoping to generate happy “wedding rehearsal” vibes rather than utterly depressing “day before the funeral” vibes. 

I’m not sure I’m going to get much sleep tonight. Everything else aside, the guilt monster is very real.  And man, does it have a chokehold on me right now.  I wasn’t patient enough with mom.  I know I wasn’t.  I did so many things wrong.  Even when my intent was to help, there were times mom just wasn’t in the mood.  And I’m sure I just made her crazy.  Ever since she died, I have been asking her to come see me to tell me that she’s ok…and that she forgives me for everything I did wrong or did poorly.  I really hope she’s not mad at me.  I hope she’s not glad to be away from us…from me.  I hope I told her I loved her enough.  And that I was proud of her.  And that I am so grateful for everything she did for me and our whole family, especially with my kids.  I’m so glad I phoned after the photos that night to tell her to have a good night and that I loved her.  How I would give anything to have her back just for one more hug right now.

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