Chapter 17: Right on Schedule
September 6, 2025
Well, I did say that today was the first day I would be able to accommodate a personal breakdown. So I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that it happened. And in quite the spectacular manner.
Most of the out of town guests left either last night or early this morning so it’s the first day since mom died that I haven’t had to have my game face on for anything…or anyone.
Maybe it was the sense of relief of the funeral being over and the first time I felt like I could…relax? No, that’s not the right word. I can’t find words anymore. I was absolutely exhausted when everyone left our place after dinner last night. Then – as I changed out of my clothes, I noticed that I had lost the crucifix on my chain – mom’s chain. I decided to wear mom’s chain to the funeral yesterday – the one I had to take off her body when I kissed her goodbye for the last time. It’s an old chain from India and has a traditional hook instead of a western-style clasp, so there is definitely greater room for error in terms of it coming undone. And sure enough, as I took odd my dress, I noticed that while my body heat kept the chain stuck to my body, the crucifix I had been wearing on the chain had slipped off at some point and was now nowhere to be found.
This was an upsetting development, but I was just too tired to think much about it, so I went to bed. The next morning, I woke up positively obsessed with finding the crucifix. I still remember receiving it as a birthday present from a friend and former colleague in Calgary over 20 years ago. Her friend had come to our workplace to show off the Christian jewelry she made as a hobby, and I remember seeing this particular piece and thinking how beautiful it was. But I just couldn’t afford it at the time – and then, a few weeks later, my friend surprised me with it for my birthday. It was so kind of her and I have always treasured the gift.
I tore up the entire house, the garage, and my car. Then, I went back to comb over the church and hall in a complete frenzy, checked dad’s place, and then spent about another two hours trying to retrace every step I had taken the day before. This included a short walk around the neighbourhood that I had been able to get in before dinner, and a drive to drop off one of our dinner guests at her friend’s place. No luck.
I came back to the house and fell apart. I was completely inconsolable for at least an hour. I didn’t mean to make the kids worry about me, but I couldn’t stop crying even if I had wanted to. The worst part? The whole while, I knew that my state of absolute hysteria had nothing at all to do with a piece of religious jewelry I couldn’t find then but still had a hope of recovering, maybe some day if I got lucky. This had everything to do with me finally facing the reality of the mom I have now lost – forever. We all tried so hard to take care of her…but somehow, we failed. And now, she’s not coming back to me ever again, no matter how hard I might try to make that happen.
Ok, grief. You win. I am lost. And forget running on fumes – I’m definitely on empty. Now what?
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