Chapter 37: Birthday Without the Happy
July 19, 2024
Growing up, birthdays were a BIG DEAL in our family. Every year without fail, mom would grant my sister and me the honourary title of “Queen for the Day” on our special September and November days. And after the fun of presents and any other special treats, the highlight of the night was that the birthday girl got to choose where our family would go for a celebratory dinner.
Today is mom’s 75th birthday and so this should be be a day for huge celebrations. Sadly, I’m in the car with my own family driving to Manitoba…where, tomorrow, we will attend a memorial service for my father-in-law and lay him to rest at a cemetery just outside of Brandon. We lost him a few weeks ago and telling the kids was not a particularly fun task.
Fortunately, we have a beautiful sunny day for the long drive. The kids are glued to their tablets (road trips are the one exception we make to otherwise very stringent screen time rules) and my husband and I have been talking and listening to music and podcasts. But did I mention how long the drive was? You have lots of time to spend in your own head in reflection when you have over 1,100 kilometres of summer prairie to drive through. So, I am thinking about mom hitting a major age milestone while I prepare say a final goodbye to my husband’s dad – and well, it makes for some sadness.
Last month, mom dropped out of a memory loss research and support program my dad had signed her up to participate in through Queen’s University. We thought it would be good for mom to be on a weekly zoom call with other people like her and talk about coping strategies. We were hoping she wouldn’t feel alone in her struggles – but that clearly didn’t hit the mark. And managing the technology was proving to be too time-consuming. Even if dad got her fully set up on the iPad for each session, mom would inevitably press a button or somehow disconnect, and this only served to panic her. So – that was the end of that.
We’ll take mom for a belated birthday dinner when we get back to town, but even that is going to prove to take some effort to arrange. Mom seems to have no interest in food anymore – she’ll eat, but only because she knows she has to, not because she enjoys it anymore. Given what an amazing cook and baker she has been her whole life, this strikes me as nothing short of tragic. Similarly, mom seems to have lost all interest in any sense of vanity. Don’t get me wrong, my mom is not showy. But – growing up, she was always dressed to the nines every day. She was one of the most glamourous women I ever knew, even just going to the grocery store. She and dad went out a lot and she loved her dresses and gowns and jewelry…she was always so beautiful and perfectly put together. These days though, I’m lucky if she looks in a mirror or remembers to brush her hair in the morning. Where did my mom go? I want her back.
On the bright side, I had a check-in from the Alzheimer’s Society last week. Last summer, I went to one support group meeting and decided I definitely did not belong there. However, over the past year – almost like clockwork, I have received quarterly check-ins from staff members just asking if there’s anything I need. How amazing is that? Maybe I should start to look into some of their courses now. So much has changed this year.
So – here’s to mom and her milestone day. Hopefully the happy will come back soon.
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