Chapter 30: Cracks Start to Show
April 12, 2024
Today wraps up one of the worst weeks of my life. But as much as I can do the poor me dance, I actually can’t bear to think of how much worse it clearly is for mom.
Be careful what you wish for, they say. No kidding. So, dad and I have been trying to get mom to give up her lunchroom supervision job at a local school because we think she’s starting to use that as a reason to not do any other socialization during the week.
Well. Mom was a bit of a mess yesterday – Thursday. She forgot to go to her job because she thought it was Saturday. She didn’t realize anything was wrong until dad came home over the lunch hour and asked why she was at home and not at school. That didn’t end well. Mom was thrown into an absolute panic during which she made a horrified and tear-filled call to her school contact…with a lot of crying thereafter.
After dad called to fill me in on the situation, I decided to go their house before the kids returned home from school under the false pretenses of having to pick something up. That also backfired. Mom had been calm for a period before I arrived, but once I asked her what she got up to that day, things went downhill…and fast.
It felt so weird holding mom while she cried and me being the one to tell her that everything was going to be ok. How am I now being her??
I thought maybe it would be a few minutes of tears and everything would be fine, but no. It somehow got worse. Mom actually said that this incident is a clear sign from God that she should just die now and relieve us all of our burden. I was so stunned. Maybe the shock of hearing my own mother say something so horrible helped me to keep it together and to actually have a rational conversation with her. I told her that she is perfectly healthy, it’s just that her brain is being a little uncooperative with her. I reminded her that her grandkids still need her, and that dad still needs her, and that the church still needs her. Hell, I reminded her in great detail that *I* still need her. Not only that – she’s been the one to take care of all of us her whole life. Doesn’t she deserve a period of time where we all look after her? I told her that she is absolutely not burden, helping her is what the whole family WANTS to do.
She started to calm down again but was still upset. So, I cleverly distracted her by suggesting that maybe we make some tea. And then I felt horrible – here I am, using the same tools of “redirection” that parents use on their toddler children with my own 74 year-old mother. Life can be quite cruel sometimes.
After our tea and muffins, I got into the car at exactly the right time. I barely closed the door when I started bawling my own eyes out.
My own mother doesn’t think she deserves to be here anymore. It’s a tragedy when anyone thinks that their life has no more value – but I’m not sure I’m ever going to recover from hearing my own mother saying we would all be better off if she wasn’t here.
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