Chapter 59: Aging With Dignity

We sat and had lunch together – mom has always been a master soup-maker and after enjoying the meal, I stayed for a bit of a chat.  Today, she was most definitely not in the mood for writing in her book or answering my questions about things she’s been up to, so I let that go…probably too late, as usual.  Sigh, I really have to learn to stop getting into fights with her.  I know when she gets like this, it’s her injured brain speaking to me, not her.  That doesn’t really make me feel better, and Lord knows it hasn’t helped me to develop any new patience skills.  Patience is not a virtue I have ever had at the best of times so managing through this journey over the past few years has been a struggle for all of us in different ways, I suppose.

Long before I decided to back off the topic, I was trying to talk to mom about how she has been feeling.  I worry about her getting depressed.  It must be so hard to know that you’re not fully yourself – and have absolutely no way to “fix” it.  Anyway, I was trying to encourage her in some goals that she might want to set for this new calendar year.  Mom wasn’t having any of it.  Not only did she not want to talk about goals, but more than once, she chided for me trying to get her to do things “when I’m at the end of my life” as she so directly put it.  Dear God, I did not like hearing those words coming out of her mouth!  What does she mean about being at the end of her life?  Sure, she has a little cold right now and we’re trying to help her live a good life despite her short-term memory abandoning her…but she is so healthy otherwise!

It actually makes me very angry that mom has been affected by these memory problems and brain changes.  She has absolutely zero lifestyle risk – where is the justice in having her suffer when there are some truly awful people out there who just seem to skate through life without a care in the world?  I want to believe in God and divine plans but I don’t know…I think He made a huge mistake here.  This isn’t fair.

Mom is so matter-of-fact about where she is in life, though.  No sugar-coating things, no pretending that she’s a 30-year old woman anymore.  I am simultaneously horrified but also in awe.  I don’t want to think about her not being here anymore – I don’t want HER to think about not being here anymore.  But perhaps this is what true “aging with dignity” is.  I’m sure there is a lesson in here for me, but my heart just doesn’t have the capacity to process that right now.  I hope both of my parents get their full health back soon and we can return to…well…whatever “normal” is these days.