Chapter 23: Sad Playlist

September 20, 2025

I had some downtime today – very unusual for a Saturday when I am generally engaged in my role as professional chauffeur to my kids who need to get to activities.

At any rate, I had an idea – not sure if it is weird, morbid, or totally natural.  I made a playlist of all of the music we used at mom’s funeral.  I was actually surprised at the fact that I could find recordings of all of the hymns, including a few that are from my childhood!  Thank you, Catholic Book of Worship musicians, ha.

Making this playlist reminded of my very first “mixtape” – because mom made it as a gift for my sister and me! I think I was in Grade 6. One day, we came home from school and mom was presented us with a cassette tape of songs that were really popular at the time on 630 CHED, the main Top 40 radio station in Edmonton in the 1980s. Not only had she picked some great songs (well, to us kids in elementary school) but she had even made notations of when the tape player’s counter would divide the songs. I haven’t thought about that in so long but was happy to remember today…one of the cool things mom made time to do for us growing up.

The playlist I’ve just made is about 30 minutes long.  I’m really happy that I was able to find choral arrangements of all of the pieces – a choir always sounds so much more magical than just one singer and a guitar. I listened to it just before going to bed.  The music was comforting…not sure why I found that surprising.  But my thoughts while listening to the music were all over the place…

I still remember holding mom at the front of the church and waiting for the entrance procession to start.  So we could get this whole thing over with and I could go home.  Talking to people was literally the last thing I wanted to do.  My heart was racing and I wasn’t sure my legs were going to work.  And then our priest turned to all of us and looked me right in the eye and said, “Take a deep breath, this is going to be ok.”  And it was honestly the kindest thing he could have said in that moment, and I actually believed that everything was going to work out.

Then I started having glimpses of people that I think I saw.  I know I was at the reception in the church hall later but I can’t remember much of it.  Everything was a blur.  Our decision not to have a receiving line kind of backfired on us.  Dad, my sister, and I were getting pulled aside by everyone and I had to talk to too many people and somehow I only broke down once, but I had to spend so much energy comforting other people, and it was really exhausting, and why didn’t we get registration books?  I know dad and I talked about not doing that because what the hell are we going to do with books that just have people’s names in it – and also, I hate going to funerals and there is a huge line to get in because everyone’s writing something in the stupid book.  But now I see their value…simply as a way to know who showed up.  I suppose that gives the family one way to say thank you later on. 

Speaking of thank yous, I don’t know how I’m going to get through responding to emails.  It’s so amazing to hear from so many people offering love and support, but I think my personal accounts may have tipped over 300 messages now and it’s too overwhelming a task to think of how and when I’ll be able to respond.  And then there are all of the cards people brought to the service.  I know I should worry about me more and other people less…but mom would have acknowledged everyone so I want to find a way to make the time to do this.  Maybe that will make up for all of the things I’ve been kicking myself for doing badly or wrong.  I want her to be happy where she is, but not because she’s rid of me.  Sigh.  Does guilt ever go away?

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