Chapter 35: Roller Coaster Week
May 26, 2024
I’m not sure that I am ever going to fully adjust to how “new life with mom” puts me through the emotional wringer. I mean, stressed and worried is my new baseline – I just have to live with that. However, I wasn’t prepared for how tired I would feel with the highs and the lows…sometimes compressed into such a short amount of time.
Take this week for example. I’m not sure we could have fit any more in if we had tried.
On Tuesday, mom received a letter of agreement to continue on as a lunchroom supervisor for the school next year. I guess last month’s blip of forgetting to go for one day was forgiven. And hey, we’re all human, mistakes happen. Still, Dad and I are not sure whether to feel happy or nervous, but I guess one day at a time is all we can manage.
On Thursday, I made a hair appointment for mom to get her hair done on Saturday, the day of the Edmonton Consular Ball, an event which my husband and I will join my parents in attending. That didn’t go over well. Mom insisted that there was no reason for her to spend money so frivolously and she wouldn’t go to the appointment. She also claimed she wasn’t going to the Ball because she has to play for Mass. This is the kind of minor argument that seems to happen more often now. I tried to remind her that she had already provided notice to the church that she wouldn’t be available on account of her attendance at the Ball. And then, I didn’t push it – I am learning (slowly) that it is sometimes best to just drop a topic of conversation entirely and come at it on a different day.
When Saturday came around, I was responsible for getting myself ready – as well as mom. I promised Dad I would look after everything with mom. Which has been a disconcerting adjustment for me. My mother was always so glamourous and fashionable and seemed like she lived for decades without any visible signs of aging. Now, it’s a real effort to just get her to look in the mirror. She has absolutely zero interest in her appearance anymore – and I can’t handle that. I know this isn’t about me – but I want my old mom back. I keep hoping that if she build some new routines, maybe she’ll start to…I don’t know…remember how to do things the way she used to?
Mom went to the hairdresser in the end and looked beautiful, but something clearly upset her. When I got her back home and tried to get her into her evening gown and jewelry, she told me…for the second time…that there is no point to all of us fussing over her and she should just die right now. If she’s lucky, maybe God will just take her in her sleep. It wasn’t easier to hear her say this again, but at least I felt somewhat prepared for it. I checked with dad – she’s never said anything like this to him. Should I be grateful that perhaps she somehow feels safe around me to express these thoughts? I don’t know – it’s horrible and I wish she’d stop saying it. Hell, I really wish she would stop feeling that. I can’t imagine what’s happening in her brain and it must be awful to know that something is wrong but none of us know how to fix it.
The Ball itself was kind of odd. I could tell mom was very uncomfortable with the noise and all of the people. I stuck close to her while my dad fulfilled his official duties. To be honest, I was so glad when the night was over.
And then, today happened. It’s Sunday, so mom and dad came over for dinner as usual. Dad remembered to bring mom’s journal, so I went through it to try and help her make a plan and prepare for the upcoming week. And then, a page fell open and really chilled me to the bone. One of mom’s first entries from this year talks about how helpful and patient I am. (Well, hello guilt monster – patience is definitely not something I’m doing a good job of; hard to believe mom thinks I am.) But worse, mom follows-up that thought with a hope that she never (mom’s underline) “causes me disappointment.” I feel like I’ve just been punched in the stomach. Am I causing my own mom stress? I desperately want to be helpful but now I just feel completely helpless. And more than anything, I want life to go back to the way it was.
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