Chapter 27: Becoming my Parent’s Parent

April 1, 2024

Something really weird has started to happen over the last little while.  I’m going through a transition that I don’t care for at all.  Somehow, I am becoming my own mom’s mom.  It is every bit as weird, awkward, and uncomfortable as it sounds.  And I am hating every minute of the experience.

I mean how twisted and wrong are these sentences: Dad and I are doing a lot of internet research lately to come up with activities or strategies to help keep mom’s mind engaged.  We share a lot of articles and blog posts between us.  We’re also trying to work as a team to build a weekly routine for mom so she feels more involved in her own life. 

Mom is not a child.  But she needs help.  And she is not always fully open to our ideas, which can make everything so much more challenging.

The daily diary writing is not going so well.  I mean, I call every morning and try and get going with some ideas, and to make sure she knows what day of the week it is, and what day and month we’re in.  But mom is not always in the mood – and when she’s not, it can be…very hard.  Somewhere deep down, I really hope she knows that I am only trying to help.  After all, I can sense that she’s starting to slip away and I am desperate to try and keep what I know of “her” here with us as long as possible. 

I can only imagine how scared and sad she is…but I’m terrified too.  I don’t want to lose my mom.  I want her to be the same person I’ve known my whole life.  I don’t want to think about a day that she might not know who I am. 

Anyway, with the writing being a beast of a task, she is definitely not taking the initiative to try and do anything social once a day.  Phone calls to friends to just say hi are almost adamantly out of the question.  So, I’ve started the sneak attacks now.  I am calling people she knows to coordinate times they are free alongside times that dad is at home to help “stage manage.”  And while I’m glad it’s going well, the process makes me sick to my stomach.

I mean – let’s call this for what it is.  On the weekends, my job is to set up activities and other things for my kids so they don’t ask to be on screens too much and otherwise have a chance to burn off energy.  And now – during the work week, I am taking the lead on setting up “playdates” for my nearly 75 year-old mother.  I feel…gross. 

But there’s no way around the truth – in a way, mom is now my third child.  Sometimes Dad and I make decisions for her.  Sometimes we talk about her behind her back.  When mom gets upset with us and what we’re doing, we try to help her understand how everything we’re doing is for her. 

I’m not ready for mom to be “done” being my mom.  I have twin children just starting their own adolescence journeys.  I still need my mom!  I can’t afford to have her not be here.  I don’t know what I’m doing as a parent – and yes, I am aware of the spoiler alert that this is a universal reality for all parents.  But isn’t that exactly why mom needs to stay exactly how she is?  To help me figure this out and tell me what she did when I was the kids’ age?

Sigh. I was not prepared for this.  I cry a lot.

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