Chapter 25: First of the Firsts
September 21, 2025
Today is…just the first of many difficult days that we are going to have to learn how to manage through.
It’s my sister’s birthday. And for the first time since she moved away over 20 years ago, mom won’t be the first person to call her this morning.
My husband has taken my son to a sports practice and my daughter has been hosting a friend for a sleepover. And for the first time, I’m actually glad that the girls always stay up way too late. It means they definitely won’t be bothering me for a while yet. And by the time they do, I really need to have pulled it together. It’s almost 930am – I have been awake for an hour but haven’t been able to do anything but weep. I can’t bear the thought of getting out of bed.
All I can think about is the fact that mom isn’t here for my sister’s birthday. This isn’t right. And in two months, it’s going to be my birthday. The month after it’s going to be…what would have been mom and dad’s 50th wedding anniversary, and then a few weeks later it’s going to be Christmas. How am I going to get through those days? How am I going to get through today?
I think it’s too early to call my sister so I’ll wait awhile yet. Just then, dad called to let me know he did just connect with her – the way mom would. And that he was now off to church this morning to pray for her…the way mom would. Sigh. Poor dad.
I wound up making it to church by myself yesterday. And when the priest announced my mom’s name as the intention of that Mass, I lost it and didn’t really recover for the rest of the service. It was awful to hear her name said there – that’s the spot where they talk about the people who have died. I’m glad I was by myself. I don’t like being a total mess in front of the kids.
Anyway, back to birthdays. Mom was somewhat of a marvel in remembering people’s birthdays. She only started using a calendar a few years ago – she truly had all of these significant dates in her head. But over the past two years, we noticed (or others would tell us – either with amusement or great concern) that she had sent multiple emails or left several voicemails for people on their special day…because she wouldn’t remember having done it before. Even last year on my birthday, I think she called me three times. And for the next two weeks – every time she saw me – she would profusely apologize for having missed it. I kept telling her she hadn’t and that she was fine. “Connect, don’t correct” is one of the things we learned at one of the courses dad I took last year. I learned that principle much too late…and even after I learned it, I did a pretty miserable job of adhering to it. Well, I guess that’s one more thing to add to the guilt monster, my new constant companion in life.
I can hardly wait to see what the rest of this year’s “firsts” are going to be like. Hiding under the covers to avoid all of them sounds like a pretty damn good plan right about now.
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