Chapter 41: Breaking Point
September 8, 2024
PRESENT DAY NOTE FROM ANOUSHKA: This was probably the hardest post for me to write to date. The realization that “things can’t go on like this” was absolutely devastating – and terrifying. If you are a caregiver who is experiencing anything similar, please ask for help! Hopefully the suggestions on my Resources page may be useful – I’m always open to learning about additional services that have been helpful to others.
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Ok, it’s official. I am going to lose my mind – and the worst part is, I just don’t know what to do about it. Mom’s condition is way worse than I thought and we’re going to need to make some changes. Stat.
Mom and dad got invited to attend the wedding of a friend’s son in Mexico. Mom didn’t want to go, and dad and I agreed that we’d prefer to have mom stay with us rather than be totally on her own while he was away. Mom wasn’t super excited about this at first, but started to warm up to the idea when I pointed out how much time she would have with the kids after school.
Other than Sunday dinners and the daily calls, I guess it’s fair to say that I really haven’t had the chance to “observe” mom very closely – or for very long periods of time. Her being here for eight days definitely changed that. And Lord, was it ever an eye-opener.
A few days in, I started wondering if a robot had taken over my mother and the real mom was somewhere else. She is very confused on a regular basis. For example, the number of times she tried to go downstairs to the spare bedroom through the hallway door to the pantry was…frightening. One time she even had to ask me how to get downstairs. She also couldn’t seem to figure out where the glasses were when she wanted water – and we’ve lived here for 12 years and never once changed the set-up of our kitchen, in which she has often taken a lead role. Those were the first of the undeniable “WTF?!” moments that happened over the course of the week.
I was really taken aback by how acutely I realized that mom does NOT remember conversations from even 10 minutes ago. I don’t think I had really registered just how repetitive she is getting in expressing her thoughts or asking questions. Why didn’t dad tell me about this? I can’t even express all of the emotions that are happening inside me all at the same time. I’m frustrated with mom but trying not to show it. I feel so sad for mom, because this isn’t her. I’m annoyed with my dad for not preparing me for what I was going to experience, but also devastated that he kept this from me and has been dealing with this all on his own.
The driving incidents are what really scared me, though. Mom was supposed to initially arrive at our place last Saturday afternoon, shortly after dad left for the airport. I knew she would be coming around 2pm and mom almost never uses her cell phone, so I was surprised to get a call from her around 145pm. Turns out she was about five blocks away from the house but couldn’t remember how to get to our place. Honestly, I’m grateful that she thought to call me and was together enough to read the street signs from the nearest intersection so I could get in the car and find her. However, once we got back to my place, she completely collapsed – she was so upset…and scared. Our nephew and his wife from Calgary were over for a visit and mom refused to see them. She couldn’t stop crying. I don’t blame her. That was awful – I didn’t even know how to comfort her because I just couldn’t believe what had happened.
Well, everyone has a bad day. No big deal, I thought. If only! Dad arrives home tonight and she wanted to be at the house when he got there, so we had Sunday dinner and then she set off to go home. And two minutes after she left, I was kicking myself for not following her in my own car. My husband said I was working myself up over nothing. And I wouldn’t I give anything to not “I told you so.” Mom didn’t answer the phone when I called 20 minutes later to make sure she got in ok. And still didn’t answer after 45 minutes…and then a full hour. So, barely able to contain myself, I got in the car and made my way to the house – no mom, no car. I called my husband in a panic – and was starting to head to the nearest police station to ask if her license plate had been recorded in an accident, when mom miraculously showed up. AND HAD NO RECOLLECTION OF WHERE THE HELL SHE’D BEEN. Small victory, I suppose – she wasn’t panicked. In fact, mom was perfectly fine and just said what a nice time she’d had with us. She was sure she had just come from my house (which, on a bad day, is only about a 14-minute drive.) I’m not sure how I managed to stay calm or not tell her the truth, but we can’t have mom driving anymore. God, this is going to be a fun report card to give to dad when he returns.
And I don’t think I can continue on in my current job. I can’t leave dad to manage all of this on his own. I’ve heard that in similar cases, the caregiver is often at greater risk to die before the patient. This must be placing so much stress on him – I have to help. I mean, if anything happens to dad…oh God, I can’t even think about that.
Things are going to have to change.
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